Donald Trump went to his happy place.
“First of all, I’m not crazy. Websters defines “crazy” as “Kamala Laura Loomer Leon Musk JD Vance Nick Fuentes Alex Jones Tucker Carlson Marjorie Taylor Greene Project 2025 Biden Harris”. I am not Kamala Laura Loomer Leon Musk JD Vance Nick Fuentes Alex Jones Tucker Carlson Marjorie Taylor Greene Matt Gaetz Rick Sanchez Project 2025 Biden Harris so I can’t be crazy. Fifth of all, JD and Trump are not weird. Websters defines “weird” as “驚人的，不同尋常的”. JD and Trump are not 驚人的，不同尋常的 so we can’t be weird. Eight of all, I’m not racist. Some of my best friends are Oompla Loompas. I also love Diet-Coke and some of my favorite things to say are “Elekshun Infeterence” and “Orange is the new black”. Twelfth of all, the illegal alians in Springfield who are eating the cats and dogs and then turning into cats and dogs are putting tiny computer chips into drops of rain. The drops of rain are falling near the polling stations and the computer chips are changing the votes to Joe Biden and he’s not even in this eleksun. Elekshun Infeterence! Thirty seventh of all, the only thing I know about Project 2025 is that I don’t know anything about it at all apart from the 900 pages of helpful advice in it to downsize the federal government, cut social welfare, give tax cuts to the rich, make abortion illegal in every state, end Obama Care, eliminate the Department of Edukayshun, get rid of environmental regulayshun and give me total kontrol over the executive branch, whatever that is. I have the best trees. Sixty third of all, why is nobody talking about how the Democrats muted the microphone when JD was telling lies during the voice president debate? Kamala Tinky Winky Dipsy Laa-Laa Po Noo-Noo Biden Harris sent robots to replace the moderators and the robots disabled JD’s microphone when he was telling lies. The robots didn’t disable the waltzing matilda guys microphone when he was telling the truth. Elekshun Infeternce! Ninth of all, I know why the crowd sizes are so small at my rallies. Kamala Rachel Maddow NIcole Wallace Joy Reid Alex Wagner Alex Witt Biden Harris dresses up as a lunatic so she fits in with the MAGA crowd. She then hands out free bottles of water to the people coming to my rallies. The water is full of special magic ingredients that reduce the size of the audience by 89% so it looks like they are a small audience. It’s true. JD saw it in a dream. Ninety sixth of all, 60 Minutes wanted to interview me. I told them I would do it it, if they agreed to not fact check my lies and if they changed the name of the show to 90 Minutes. They said No and then I found out that 60 minutes is an hour. Trump ain’t got no time for that. Eighty fourth of all, according to the Couches For all poll, JD won the voice president debate. If anyone is looking for a copy of the results, talk to me after I get someone to make it up. Twenty fourth of all, I don’t need the teleprompter and can easily have it turned off right now. They don’t like when I do this. There, it’s turned off now. More and more people are using the truth against me these days. It’s true. The thing is, I don’t deal or believe in truth. I believe in alternative reality. When I put on the big headset that covers my beautiful eyes, I am transported to a different place. It’s a wonderful place because I am there and you are not. This is why I like it here so much. Here, I’m not a twice impeached, convicted felon. Here, I am the king. Here, I inject everyone with bleach and it does them no harm. In this reality, Mike Pence didn’t certify the 2020 elekshun and look, there’s Marjorie Taylor Greene reading up on the latest conspiracy theories. Here, I made Leon Musk my second in command. He’s my voice president king. Laura Loomer is in charge of the fence and look, there she is, building that great big beautiful wall. Go Laura, Go Laura. JD is personally flying the space ships to remove the illegal cat and dog eaters from Springfield. I hope they enjoy whatever planet they are banished to. I would love to attack some more minorities while I’m here but I better take this headset off before I have an erekshun. Back to the teleprompter. Thirty fifth of all, I have never met and do not know who the following people are: Rudi Juliani, Sidney Powell who is not and never was my attorney, the 130 great patriots who worked for me when I was precident and are now involved in Project 2025, Myke Pense, Viktor Orban of Hungry, Mark Robinson, the kraken, Tucker Carlson – wait a minute, are we sure I don’t now Tucker Carlson? What’s that? Ok, so I just have to pretend I don’t know him? Sure, I can do that. That’s ok. Where was I? Tucker Carlson, Laura Loomer, Karry Layke, Jeffrey Epstein, Hannibal Lecter – no way, Is this teleprompter working? I definitely know Hannibal Lecter. He had Clarise over for dinner. It’s true. I’ll read the rest but am not happy about this at all. Where was I? Hannibal Lecter, anyone managing my accounts in Chyna and Vladimir Putin – hang on, do I really have to pretend that I don’t know my best friend? Can we not just use the money we got from Leon Musk and wipe the memories of the voters? I can’t see why that wouldn’t work. I don’t see anyone else coming up with anything better. What? You just want me to continue pretending for a little bit longer? OK but McDonald’s is open so we need to break for breakfast soon. Where was I? Oh yeah, Vladimir Putin, Nick Fuentes, JFK Junior. Stop, stop, stop, I’m turning the prompter off again. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, what is woke? It’s true. I tell them that woke is a word we made up and we use it to describe anything I don’t like. For eggs ample, equality, equal pay, equal rights, the = symbol, anything that stops me attacking minorities, McDonald’s Happy Meals, happyness, happy hour, the happynes index, Happy Gilmore, Happy Dayz, happy ever after, history lessons, health care, the Bible but not the beautiful Trump Bible that you can buy right now, the constitution, democracy, Democrats, things that don’t have tariffs on them yet, women having control over their own bodies, small rallies, small hands, the small hand on the clock, anti-racism, non-white people coming into the country apart from the Oompa Loompas, Rosie O’Donnell, Bette Midler, Arianna Huffington, Kamala Reba McEntire Gwen Stefani Michael Bublé Snoop Dogg Biden Harris and lots of other strong independent women and last of all, shares – I don’t like sharing. I don’t have time to list everything that is woke and everyone who is woke so I am going to do a 98 hour podcast where you can listen to your favorite king, list all the things he doesn’t like. It will be produced in association with nobody but me. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, when you are not telling everybody that you are the savior of the world, what do you do with your time. It’s true. I put my little hands in the dinosaur position and tell them that when I am not telling the world how lucky it is to have me, I am thinking about telling the world how lucky it is to have me. I invented ChatGPT, I wrote a bible all by myself – I wrote all the chapters, I made a film about myself in my imagination and I am amazing in it. I invented the popular music craze that the kids seem to love, known as rock n roll. That was me. I built the pyramids in some place where most of the people are not white so I didn’t like it there at all. Any day now, I will be releasing my new DVD where I show you how to dance. I have the best moves. It will be available to rent in all the best DVD stores and will probably be a 148 part series on Fox News. A lot of people ask me, they say, sir, just when we think you can’t spread any more hatred, you go ahead and spread more hatred. Where does it come from? I have the best hatred. I tell them that people will believe anything if you say it enough times. If I had an illegal alian for all the times I said “Elekshun Infeterence”, I would have 60 million, brazillian illegal alians. Thank you very much. Orange is the new black”.
